Struggling with Mental Illness

Today I wanted to stray away a bit from weight loss and talk about mental illness since this blog isn't just about weight loss, it's about all around wellness.

I started this blog to help others that are struggling in many aspects of their lives. It can be so hard to find someone to reach out to or connect with when you are suffering from any mental illness. I wouldn't feel right writing this blog if I wasn't open about my own struggles with mental illness.

When I was around five or six years old my parents split up. As you can imagine this was not an easy time for me. I won't go into too much of a back story about my life around this time, but I started developing obsessive compulsive habits. My mom put me in therapy and got me on medications at an early age. I think it has helped in some ways, but more sparked my passion to learn about psychology and how I can help myself and others.

Since then it has been a daily struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety and depression. I also suffer from premenstrual dysphoric disorder or PMDD. It is not easy having a mental illness for a number of reasons. I think even in this day in age as far as mental illness goes I believe there is still an "it's all in your head"stigma attached to it. Let me tell you right now, it may be in my head but it definitely isn't just something I or anyone else can just think away. So many of us, for fear of being looked down upon or fear of rejection hide what we are struggling with as best as we can, and hiding it can be extremely exhausting.

I try to hide the fact that some days it's hard for me to get out of bed because I feel sick. I know I don't have a cold or the flu but my body hurts.  I try to hide the fact that I get severe anxiety when thinking of the prospect of going out to places I haven't been before. I try to hide the fact that because of my PMDD I don't know what kind of mood I will be in so I try not to plan out what I'm going to do too far ahead. I have to hide that fact that it takes me anywhere from two to four hours in the shower! Yes, you read that correctly HOURS in the shower.

One of the things I am struggling with most at this point in my life is my OCD showering rituals. What is fun and relaxing for most people has become, for me, a dreaded and arduous task. It is also something that is difficult if not impossible to explain to others.

How do I explain that I can't just jump in the shower like everyone else? How do I explain that if I don't complete my rituals and do everything "just right" that I will have a severe panic attack that will not go away until I complete my rituals properly? How do I explain to people that the thought of having to go through my OCD rituals are exhausting and so sometimes I avoid taking showers for days, or weeks at a time? How do I explain to people that I have to avoid certain numbers and colors or "something bad with happen"? More importantly, how do I get back to the point where I can take fifteen to thirty minute showers again? How do I get to the point where my obsessions and rituals no longer take up the majority of my mental energy? This is the question I ask myself everyday. How do I become the person I want to be?

 When I was fifteen years old I went to a youth treatment facility to help with my mental disorders. I stayed there for five months, completed the program and came out feeling amazing. I had overcome so much and I felt like I was finally on the right track. In this particular treatment facility they used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. It worked great for me until at the age of eighteen I started living on my own.

There were many factors that caused me to regress not only completely but go backwards from there when I started living on my own. I moved in with my boyfriend. We hadn't ever really had to support ourselves and it was a harder feat than either of us had imagined. I was stuck just about in the middle of nowhere, a high school dropout without a license or a job. Because of the water situation in the trailer we lived in, I was also unable to take a shower. So here we were, two young adults, struggling to make it on our own, that, coupled with the dark, long, cold Alaskan winters I went into a complete depression. I also put on quite a bit of weight but that's another story.

I have since moved out of that trailer, lived in a few other places in fact, and accomplished quite a few other things, but to this day I am still struggling with mental illness. I know I always will because it is a chemical imbalance in my brain

I got back into therapy a few years ago and I am currently seeing a therapist. My anxiety isn't as bad as it was, my depression definitely isn't as bad as it was and my OCD is gradually getting better, but these are all daily struggles. There are still times where I am unable to leave the house because I haven't taken a shower and I don't feel right leaving without being clean There are days where I wish that it was "just all in my head" and I could think it away, but I can't.

I am trying my best to become the person I want to be mentally. I want to have a fulfilling life and not just exist. I want to be successful and get out and do things. I want so much for myself and I want that for you too. I don't know what you are struggling with, but just know you are not the only one struggling. 
It may not seem like it, but it will get better. Losing weight was easy for me in comparison to trying to fix my brain. It is an exhausting process, but it can also be very rewarding. Knowing that there are things I can do now that I couldn't before, or that there are things I have realized that help me just a little bit is very rewarding and gives me hope for my future, something I didn't really have before.

The reason I have shared this with you is because it wouldn't be fair to pretend that I have it all figured out, or that I don't have my own struggles. So many people out there feel they have to hide what they are going through and it isn't fair to people with mental illness. Often times people who are struggling, even famous and successful people cover it up because of the stigma attached to mental illness, and the fact that so many people want to see happiness and success, and the "Hollywood glamour" of it all. I hope that not only will there be more awareness about mental illness, but that there will be less of a negative stigma attached to it.

I hope this has helped you. If you have any blog suggestions or feedback please feel free to leave a comment. Take care!

Weight Loss and Mental Disorders

 When you suffer from a mental disorder it can be very difficult to find the motivation to lose weight, but often times when you do suffer from a mental disorder it isn't just about motivation. I have suffered from depression, anxiety and obsessive compulsive disorder for as long as I can remember and through life changes and medication losing weight wasn't just about getting up and exercising or eating healthy, you have to be in the right mind set to start on your weight loss journey.
   If you are currently overweight and are suffering from a mental disorder there are a few factors you should think about when starting your weight loss journey:


Medication: When I was younger I went through a lot of trial and error as far as medication went. I started taking anti depressants and anti psychotics at six years old. At some point soon after my mother realized that being on these medications at such an early age was not a good idea and with the help of my family physician I was eventually weened off of the meds. When I was about eight years old I started back on medications, I also started going through puberty and I also started gaining weight. By the time I was ten years old I weighed over 200 pounds. Throughout my teen years I was overweight and I believe that the medications I took had a part in that. I stopped taking all medications for a number of reasons by the time I was eighteen. I really didn't have weight loss in mind at the time that I stopped taking my meds, but I noticed that after I stopped taking them it became easier for me to lose weight once I started my weight loss journey.

The point that I am trying to make is that there are certain medications, especially those for depression, that can contribute to weight gain. I am in no way telling you to stop the medications you are taking but I want you to be aware that if you are having difficulty with weight loss or you started putting on weight after getting on medication  and you are exercising and eating right that it isn't your fault. There are a few things you can do, one is to find out how many calories you need in a day to maintain your weight or to lose weight, to get a rough estimate you can visit this website or you can visit a healthcare provider.

If even after changing your diet and exercise habits you are still having difficulty with your weight you should talk to your doctor about what you can do or possibly discuss getting on a medication that interferes with your metabolism less.

Support System: Even if you don't suffer from mental disorders it is always good to have some sort of support system. I know that there are those of you that suffer from mental disorders that have family and friends that unfortunately do not understand what you are going through. I know that this can be difficult because you feel like there is no one to turn to. If you can  see a therapist of some kind, please do. I know that some people will not have access to a therapist because they don't have health insurance, but there are places that offer sliding scale counseling and mental help so if you are able, please look into getting professional help. In the meantime if you are unable to get into therapy you can try online support groups. There are many websites and forums for every mental disorder. Just know that whatever you are going through, you are not the only one and you are not alone.

Mindset: Changing your mindset is probably one of the most difficult things to do when it comes to weight loss and mental disorders. Although it can be difficult it is possible. At this point in my life sometimes doing a workout is the only thing I do for the day. I still have days where I feel like I can't get out of bed or I feel hopeless but I will make it a point to do a workout because I know that even if it's only by a fraction of a percent, I will feel better after exercising. Even if I feel like I'm no good, or I don't want to be here anymore, or my mental disorders are too much to handle, I know that exercising will improve my body and mind.

Whether it's hard for you to start out or stay on track there are a few things to keep in mind, first that changing or making new habits takes time. Whether it's changing your relationship and how you think about food, or how you feel about exercise to the outlook on your appearance, these changes aren't going to happen overnight so be patient.

Remember throughout this entire process whatever you do, be kind to yourself. You will have slip ups and you will have bad days but don't let that discourage you. Know that losing weight takes time and effort and patience. Nobody is going to lose this weight for you, you have to do it yourself and once you start on your journey it will positively flow over into other aspects of your life. It will help to improve your body and mind and although losing weight will not be a cure all, it will help.

Also keep in mind that your goal of losing weight shouldn't just be about being skinny because in the end the way you look just by itself isn't going to make you happy. You have to realize that to lose weight and keep it off for good you have to change your outlook.

When you have a mental disorder it can be hard to see past the thoughts that you have about yourself, whether you are feeling worthless or you feel like giving up, whatever negative thoughts you have about yourself you can change. It takes time, but whenever you have a negative thought be mindful and in that moment change it to a positive thought, like, "I deserve good things" or "I will get through this", even if you don't believe the positive thoughts at first, the more you replace those negative thoughts with positive ones the better you will feel and eventually you will know that the positive things you tell yourself are true.

I hope that this has helped you. If you have feedback or blog suggestions please leave a comment. Thank you for reading and take care!

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