I started this blog to help others that are struggling in many aspects of their lives. It can be so hard to find someone to reach out to or connect with when you are suffering from any mental illness. I wouldn't feel right writing this blog if I wasn't open about my own struggles with mental illness.
When I was around five or six years old my parents split up. As you can imagine this was not an easy time for me. I won't go into too much of a back story about my life around this time, but I started developing obsessive compulsive habits. My mom put me in therapy and got me on medications at an early age. I think it has helped in some ways, but more sparked my passion to learn about psychology and how I can help myself and others.
Since then it has been a daily struggle with obsessive compulsive disorder, anxiety and depression. I also suffer from premenstrual dysphoric disorder or PMDD. It is not easy having a mental illness for a number of reasons. I think even in this day in age as far as mental illness goes I believe there is still an "it's all in your head"stigma attached to it. Let me tell you right now, it may be in my head but it definitely isn't just something I or anyone else can just think away. So many of us, for fear of being looked down upon or fear of rejection hide what we are struggling with as best as we can, and hiding it can be extremely exhausting.
I try to hide the fact that some days it's hard for me to get out of bed because I feel sick. I know I don't have a cold or the flu but my body hurts. I try to hide the fact that I get severe anxiety when thinking of the prospect of going out to places I haven't been before. I try to hide the fact that because of my PMDD I don't know what kind of mood I will be in so I try not to plan out what I'm going to do too far ahead. I have to hide that fact that it takes me anywhere from two to four hours in the shower! Yes, you read that correctly HOURS in the shower.
One of the things I am struggling with most at this point in my life is my OCD showering rituals. What is fun and relaxing for most people has become, for me, a dreaded and arduous task. It is also something that is difficult if not impossible to explain to others.
How do I explain that I can't just jump in the shower like everyone else? How do I explain that if I don't complete my rituals and do everything "just right" that I will have a severe panic attack that will not go away until I complete my rituals properly? How do I explain to people that the thought of having to go through my OCD rituals are exhausting and so sometimes I avoid taking showers for days, or weeks at a time? How do I explain to people that I have to avoid certain numbers and colors or "something bad with happen"? More importantly, how do I get back to the point where I can take fifteen to thirty minute showers again? How do I get to the point where my obsessions and rituals no longer take up the majority of my mental energy? This is the question I ask myself everyday. How do I become the person I want to be?
When I was fifteen years old I went to a youth treatment facility to help with my mental disorders. I stayed there for five months, completed the program and came out feeling amazing. I had overcome so much and I felt like I was finally on the right track. In this particular treatment facility they used Cognitive Behavioral Therapy or CBT. It worked great for me until at the age of eighteen I started living on my own.
There were many factors that caused me to regress not only completely but go backwards from there when I started living on my own. I moved in with my boyfriend. We hadn't ever really had to support ourselves and it was a harder feat than either of us had imagined. I was stuck just about in the middle of nowhere, a high school dropout without a license or a job. Because of the water situation in the trailer we lived in, I was also unable to take a shower. So here we were, two young adults, struggling to make it on our own, that, coupled with the dark, long, cold Alaskan winters I went into a complete depression. I also put on quite a bit of weight but that's another story.
I have since moved out of that trailer, lived in a few other places in fact, and accomplished quite a few other things, but to this day I am still struggling with mental illness. I know I always will because it is a chemical imbalance in my brain
I got back into therapy a few years ago and I am currently seeing a therapist. My anxiety isn't as bad as it was, my depression definitely isn't as bad as it was and my OCD is gradually getting better, but these are all daily struggles. There are still times where I am unable to leave the house because I haven't taken a shower and I don't feel right leaving without being clean There are days where I wish that it was "just all in my head" and I could think it away, but I can't.
I am trying my best to become the person I want to be mentally. I want to have a fulfilling life and not just exist. I want to be successful and get out and do things. I want so much for myself and I want that for you too. I don't know what you are struggling with, but just know you are not the only one struggling.
It may not seem like it, but it will get better. Losing weight was easy for me in comparison to trying to fix my brain. It is an exhausting process, but it can also be very rewarding. Knowing that there are things I can do now that I couldn't before, or that there are things I have realized that help me just a little bit is very rewarding and gives me hope for my future, something I didn't really have before.
The reason I have shared this with you is because it wouldn't be fair to pretend that I have it all figured out, or that I don't have my own struggles. So many people out there feel they have to hide what they are going through and it isn't fair to people with mental illness. Often times people who are struggling, even famous and successful people cover it up because of the stigma attached to mental illness, and the fact that so many people want to see happiness and success, and the "Hollywood glamour" of it all. I hope that not only will there be more awareness about mental illness, but that there will be less of a negative stigma attached to it.
I hope this has helped you. If you have any blog suggestions or feedback please feel free to leave a comment. Take care!
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